It’s been awhile…a long while. For that, I apologize.
I’ve been having a rough time lately dealing with inner emotional feelings concerning my weight and how I feel about myself. It’s caused a lot of anxiety that I never used to have. I can’t go shopping without crying. I don’t ever really want to go out and do things with people. I’m convinced everyone is staring and judging me for being “fat”. It’s all me though. I know no one is looking and saying, “oh my god that girl is so disgusting and huge!” If they are, then they’re just assholes and I need to get over it. The problem is I can’t. So here we are.
I’m rebooting the blog. I need to use this to help me jump start getting back into the healthy lifestyle. I was so much happier when I was eating healthier and taking control. I felt amazing and sexy and happier when I wasn’t concerned what I weighed, just with that I was taking care of myself and at a healthy body fat percentage. I want to be that girl again. Badly.
Thanksgiving night we went out (which I would NEVER have done had the husby not begged) to the mall. Now, I hate the mall on a regular weekend. So Thanksgiving night? Not feeling it. That wasn’t the really bad part though. The really bad part was looking at beautiful bras in Victoria’s Secret and knowing I had the get the a full cup size and inch size bigger than I have worn my entire life. Most woman would love that, and had it been for any other reason than gaining weight, I would have to. But it was because I let myself go. Then trying to find yoga pants in the clearance bin…they didn’t even have a bin for my size… So we’re waiting in line with our friends for them to pay and I was having the hardest time holding back tears. My face felt flushed, my body got hot, and I just knew if I didn’t get out of there soon and breathe I was going to lose it and the tears would flow. They did some, but I hoped I hid it well. Anyways, this happened in about 3 or 4 other stores. Shopping, which used to be such a joy for me, has become something I fear doing. That suck y’all!
It’s hard to explain to friends because my circle of local health-conscious friends is very small. Like 1 or 2 of them exist small. Most people don’t let this control their lives, but I have gotten to the point where it is controlling mine. That’s hard for a lot of people to truly understand. They can say they do and that they get it, but usually they don’t really understand what it is like to feel completely controlled by food. I’m convinced it’s a disease. A mental disease.
Most gyms are having awesome Black Friday deals. I’m thinking of joining one because I hate cardio outside this time of year and I have to be honest with myself. I just won’t do it. If it’s below 75, I’m not doing anything outside that involves working out. I’m still dying to join my old Bootcamp classes, but it’s still more than we can do since I’m no longer receiving a paycheck. Yay economy! $10 or $15 a month at a 24 hour gym though is more doable. At least to have somewhere to go to get cardio in and some weight training when I know I won’t touch my weights at home right now.
The next big thing is getting back into eating healthy. I work late at a business my husband and I are hoping and praying turns around and becomes something that brings money in for us, so when I’m leaving around 8:00 at night we end up eating late and usually not wanting to cook. We cook at home now maybe once a week or every other week? It’s awful! I need to get back into making a plan, pre-cooking things, and eating on a timeline again. I used to have alarms set on my phone for every meal of the day so I ate at the same time every day. I need to do that again.
Sorry if I ramble. I’ve never been a great writer. My thoughts and feelings come in rushes. Maybe that’s a trait of being a Cancer. Anyways, I hope y’all will continue to ride this journey with me. I still want that surfer body. I just need to work more on getting myself emotionally invested in making it happen. Watching The Vans Triple Crown of Surfing these past couple of weeks makes me want it even more! Those Hawaiian local ladies hanging on the beach have got it!